söndag 3 januari 2010

My mental to-do list

In the legend of King Arthur, one of the stories is about how 
"a woman's highest wish is to be able to decide for herself".
What more could anyone ask, but to be able to choose for yourself?
To always be yourself.
- me




I know there comes a time in every person's life, when she or he will start to doubt themselves.

Logically, this must happen, because it's physically/physiologically improbable to be happy and comfortable all the time. If this state persist, then melancholia and depression might be the next step. Or not.
Personally, I think this depends to 50 % upon the personality of the person in question, and to 50 % upon the "safety net" of people that person has around him or her.

If you can't change your personality (yes, I know, but just imagine that you can't for some reason), how about the other one? I know this will sound really cold and logical, but what do you do, when you start doubting this "safety net"? Do you...
  1. try to increase the number of people in it, by e.g. getting new hobbies and meeting new people
  2. try to increase the amount of time spent maintaining the closest contacts you have in the net
  3. try to cope by yourself
  4. all of the above
Doing this has the consequences of making you think more about what it is you really want, while straining to be what everyone else might want you to be. Writing this, I know it doesn't make that much sense, but I won't defend this budding theory of mine. I haven't thought enough about it yet to really be able to.

Yes, I do think, contrary to what you might.. heh, think. I might not be the best at doing it, but I find that analyzing things and being introspective is something I just do.
And I'm sure I'm not the only one.

So, being obnoxiously introspective: what do I really want?
  • I want to feel happy, safe, loved, needed and important.
  • I want to have a strong body, because a fit body allows you more options.
  • I want to be financially independent.*
  • I want to wake up every morning and really feel rested.
  • I want to contribute to something grand.
  • I want to get married before I decide when to have children**
  • I want to be able to just keep quiet at times.
  • I want to stop being sick and ill all the time.
  • I want to stop feeling depressed, for no other reason than that all the things above that I currently am not.
Whatever that really means. No, really, what does it mean?! This definition is too fluid and vague to make much sense, and since everyone has their own opinion about this, it's a catastrophic sentence. 
** Mainly, because I don't want to have to worry about babysitting kids on my wedding day
    Then, trying to think a bit extrovertically: what does everyone else want me to be?
    • Graduated
    • Employed
    • Polite and happy
    Now, how to get to be able to finish the first list and also the second? Because some of the bullet points on the lists seems like total opposites.

    When I've thought about it a bit more, I'll let you know if  I've managed to come up with anything that makes more sense. Until then, any thoughts upon this?

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