onsdag 3 februari 2010

When I'm dreaming, my REM takes me places

I think my brain is trying to tell me something. Creative persons that don't find an outlet for their creativity while awake, apparently have to do it while asleep. Add to that the extra stress that comes from not being creative enough while awake, and you end up with....

...nightmares. Lots and lots of them.

 People are afraid of the most silly things sometimes. I mean, people with OCD do the most weird things at times, and some people are too afraid to go out their own door. Most people however, become afraid when "normal" things don't "behave" in a way that they think they should behave. This, in particular, is why people get scared by things that "look human, but aren't". Like androids.

Me?
I'm scared of the things in the dark; not the dark itself, only the things in it I might not notice until it is "too late" (like stubbing your toes into the sofa). I hate the fact that zombies are too much a part of my nightmares (see! again a thing that appears human, only isn't). I'm scared of encountering and experiencing violence and pain (a natural survival response), partly because I'm too empathic. I had slight coulrophobia but I now I'm mostly annoyed by clowns.

The thing I'm most afraid of, and the thing I try to avoid the most (and this will sound like slight OCD) is to fail.

To fail at a task someone has put you up to.
To fail horribly, and have people know about it.
For them to remember it. For them to remind you of it.

I think this is in part because of the fact that I'm first-born, a girl, had demanding parents while growing up and have the personality of an altruistic people-pleaser. Just my luck. But it's the truth.

Do you remember your dreams? I (most often) do. They're vivid, and I usually feel in them both emotion and sensation.

Dream 1: [summer of 2008, me and Micke have already lived together for a while] I dream of a cruise ship, which caters to this HUGE swing party. In the dream, I happen to kiss some other man, and then - when I realize I've betrayed Micke - I become crazy from the guilt and eventually drown myself.
(This one was awful, and it's not the first time I've died by drowning in a dream, but it's the first time I've done is of my own accord. The drowning was accentuated by having managed to put my face into the pillow and thus not getting enough oxygen.)

Dream 2: [December, 2009] I'm running from "resident evil"-type of zombies in this huge house that feels like a giant warehouse. After getting tired, I manage to get up and into some ventilation ducts, which bend and break open behind me because of my weight.
(this one was really horrid, and eventually I get eaten, because the vent gives way beneath my hands, and I fall into this... well, hoard of dead people. I woke up, and it's 04:06 a.m. and I just couldn't get back to sleep until ~ 07:30 a.m. That day went to hell, because I had to take a lunch nap, and woke up even more tired.)

Dream 3: [15.2.2010, fever dream while being sick] I sit in a living room, watching TV and feeding chicken soup to my daughter, who is ill and is lying in a sofa. The TV is showing news in German, and it has something to do about east Berlin and some local discussion on organic meat production. My daughter asks me what they're saying, since she is too little to know any German. I tell her and jokes on how "other people than her mama is concerned about organic food".

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